


All I Know

by bienenalster (pinkspider)



Series: Tracks [5]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Character Study, Dramatic Irony, In Universe Primer, M/M, Meta Fic, document fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-18
Updated: 2015-06-18
Packaged: 2018-04-04 18:43:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4148739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkspider/pseuds/bienenalster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oh, no, guys, there’s a new little shit in town. So, let’s talk about Parser. </p><p>He’s trash.</p><p>That’s it. That’s my whole primer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All I Know

**Author's Note:**

> All images come straight from the official Check Please tumblr.
> 
>  
> 
> Banks is borrowed from [defcontwo](http://archiveofourown.org/users/defcontwo/pseuds/defcontwo) (thanks!) and he hails from her (excellent) fic ["if you're one of us then roll with us"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3829198). I wish it fit into the continuity of this fic so I could include it in the fake-primer recs. OH WAIT I AM RECCING IT NOW. Funny how things just work themselves out like that.

**Kent Freaking Parson: a Primer  
**

**by stripparson**

* * *

 Oh, no, guys, there’s a new little shit in town. So, let’s talk about Parser.

 

He’s trash.

That’s it. That’s my whole primer.

OK, though. Let’s expound. Here’s a short list of reasons why you should pay attention to Kent Parson if you aren’t already.

  1. Do you like Tyler Seguin, but wish he were just a little bit less of a douche? Meet Segs 2.0. Soft hands? Check. Hot? Check. Party boy? Check.

  2. It’s easy to forget in the partying, but it seems like Parser genuinely has a heart of gold, if his charity work is any indication. First year in the League and he’s already getting involved in an advocacy campaign about mental health in major league sports? Sponsor for a [high end, technically innovative watch designed for the blind](https://www.eone-time.com/)? All around best son ever and occasional kitten rescuer? What a sweetie.

  3. At the risk of being ghoulish, the reasons for some of that aforementioned advocacy work. This merits way more explanation and thought, but his relationship with Jack Zimmermann is tragic and fascinating and deeply touching. You really can’t talk about Parser without also talking about Zimmermann (and I am definitely going to do that).

  4. OK, not to be too shallow, but look at the dude. Just look. Hot blonde with killer abs, an adorable gravity defying  cowlick, and eyes that might be any one of 3 different, gorgeous colors at a given time. C'mon.

  5. With the playoffs just around the corner, there’s no question that the Aces are in, and that it’s due entirely to Parser given what miserable bottom feeders the team were in the two pre-Parson years of their existence.




Still with me? Let's get into some detail.

 

**Kent Parson, the Early Years**

**Or: I Can’t Take How Sweet the Parson Family Is**

Parser was born in Rochester around the time Kodak was tanking, which is relevant. His parents were middle class, but took a bit of a hit when his dad was laid off in 1994. His dad had a hard time finding new work, but his mom was supporting the family alright on her own so he just became a house husband.

So we have wee Parser with a stay at home dad who had always wanted to be an athlete but didn't make the cut. Enter hockey. Here's a little snippet from an interview Parser did with TSN last month:

> "Mom and Dad were always really supportive. But, for a really long time, I didn't really get just how special my parents were, and the kinds of sacrifices they made. Like, for example, when I got really serious about playing, I needed real equipment instead of my hand me downs from cousins. But my dad was unemployed and things were tight. So, to get a little extra cash, my dad pawned his watch, which was a really nice watch he had inherited from my grandpa who got it from his grandpa and so on, and he gave it up so I could have halfway decent skates. How crazy is that? To give up a family heirloom for hockey equipment?
> 
> So, when I got my first paycheck, the number one thing to do for me was to get my dad a new watch, but, it's like, that's just nothing compared to what they've done, you know?"

Good to know he has an excuse for that watch fetish of his. Seriously, though, he's such a good son, and it's adorable how much he loves his parents.

He played on a mite team starting when he was about 6 or so, and, by all accounts, got by mostly on enthusiasm and work ethic for a really long time. It seems like he started to show true, innate talent and hockey smarts by the time he was about 10, but, still, Parser stayed pretty under the radar for a good long while - until Rimouski.

 

 **In the Q**  
**Or: the Zimmermann Years**  
Okay, remember how I said it's hard to talk about Parser without also going on and on about Jack Zimmermann? That's because they became attached at the hip approximately 5 seconds after they arrived in Rimouski.

_Just your typical every second of their teen years._

Before training camp was even over, they established themselves as crazy good linemates, and by the time they were halfway through their first season, they'd shown they were able to elevate each other and whatever third wheel played right wing on their line. It was hockey magic. This is where I'm just going to link spam you to their highlight reels.

  * This one collects the best of their first year.

  * Here is a really sick wrap around Parser got

  * Here's an unassisted spinorama goal.

  * A really great breakaway the two of them did that’s like a textbook in blind passing.

  * Of course, the Memorial Trophy winning goal Parser assisted Zimmer on.

  * Fun fact: the two of them were such an awesome pairing that we can have a whole 2.5 minute long supercut of their one time passes (which, damn, how are there not a MILLION more soul-bond fics about these two? HINT HINT, ladies!).




  
Off the ice, Parser was kind of like the TJ Oshie to Zimmer's Jonathan Toews. Like Toews, Zimmer is notorious for being serious and focused (which, when all of Canada has been watching you since before you even know what puberty is, is kind of unavoidable), but the dude definitely had a major party boy side, and apparently Parser brought that out.

Honestly, it's debatable who the real party animal was, whether Parser got Zimmer to cut loose or Zimmer dragged Parser into it with him. There's no small amount of wank on this point, but I try to stay out of that shit, so I'll just say that they were teenagers in weird lives and who's ever really prepared for the kind of scrutiny these two got?

Regardless of who you think was the instigator (or whether you think there was one at all), hijinx happened in Rimouski, which is about all I know for sure. Parser did get busted in 2006 for underage drinking and had to do some community service, but we’ve all been there, right? (The correct answer to that is “yes,” ladies. We have, all of us, been there.) Zimmer didn’t get caught or anything, but for some reason participated in the same community service with Parser. What even. They may have gotten into a lot of trouble, but as far as public record goes, that’s their whole rap sheet.

It’s like, as far as more reputable sources go, they were mostly adjacent to trouble. They were at some house parties where the cops had to be called in, whatever, but there was also more serious trouble adjacency like them being known to hang out with some guys who got busted multiple times for possession. Zimmer, at least, may have had a supplier or two, but we don’t know what all for, or whether Parser was involved in that as well. Neither of them are talking about it. Some people think that Parser used, too, though I’m not one of them.

But their rumor mill isn’t just about sin and vice. No, it’s littered with lighthearted noodle incidents as well as speculation about the precise nature of their relationship.

I’m just gonna list out a couple of the highlights we can rely on to be true:

  * In their first year in the Q, Parser attended the traditional “let’s haze the rookies by making them dress in drag” party as sort of a proto-Ke$ha. (Yes. There are a couple photos that made it out.) Parser has since admitted to cheating at a drinking game by cutting his mystery punch with more pineapple juice. Here’s the video from 24/7 in which he cops to that and snickers about it incessantly, on account of how he’s an asshole.

  * There are a bunch of photos of these two at parties which prove that Parser has little to no concept of personal space. Check out this, this, and this, the cherry on top: that time Parser sat on Zimmer’s lap and they both looked pretty chill about it like that shit happened all the time. Also, WHERE IS YOUR OTHER HAND, JACK ZIMMERMANN.




_(Now kiss.)_

  * There’s compelling evidence that they made out at a party one time. Pics theoretically exist, but hell if I can find any (which, if anyone’s got ‘em, please share with the class). Supposedly, it was a dare, but who knows for sure. Almost certainly happened though!




There’s plenty more. Just run a Google search on either one of them.

And then the NHL draft came around. Leading up to it, they spent an ungodly amount of time praising each other to high heaven whenever asked about draft order. The media was clearly trying to build up a rivalry narrative, but they were having none of it. There aren’t many video interviews from this period, but in any footage that contains both of them, they make gooey eyes at each other constantly. It’s super embarrassing.

We all know what happened next.

You can tell their relationship is something that Parser can't let go. He still gets asked about Zimmer, and when that happens he has two settings: starry eyed adoration or utter desolation hidden behind a really bad stoic facade. Either way, he never talks about Zimmer at great length, which just adds to the great mystery of what Zimmer is doing now. Word on the street is he's out of rehab, but he's just completely off the map. They were such good friends, it's hard to imagine they aren't still in touch. Still, at the moment, anything related to Jack Zimmermann is pretty much limited to speculation. I'm sure Parser knows, but he's not saying anything direct. He's just getting involved with the NHL's new initiative, Mind in the Game. It's all about creating visibility and conversation around mental health in sports, and trying to establish outreach programs for both players and ex-players. The program is very much in its infancy, but Parser shows up in both of the videos they've done so far. He's also been quoted in some of the pieces written about Mind in the Game, and in all the videos and other press, he never specifically says Zimmer's name, but it's really clear that he's thinking about Zimmer, and Zimmer's the motivation for his participation. It's really sweet. Zimmer is lucky to have such a good friend in Parson. Hopefully Jack Zimmermann will come back into hockey someday. Who knows, maybe he'll even end up joining the Aces.

 

**Now**

Lately, Parser’s been on what the NHL homepage inexplicably loves to call “a scoring binge”. Luckily, I don’t need to link to every one of his highlight reels. Someone else already did that - click here. Dude is going to go far.

_Of course he starts in the year the Aces play the Winter Classic._

As much as his style of play is based on sheer speed and skill, Parser also specializes in agitation.  He may or may not have a literal burn book. He has been known to take notes on other players prior to a game, up to and including studying up on how to chirp in languages he doesn’t speak. We know this because Banks has a fun little story about Parser before a game against the Avs. He was sitting there at his stall staring at a spiral notebook and muttering something in another language that turned out to be Swedish. When he asked Parser about it, Parser just looked up and said "Landeskog" and went back to muttering. Who knows if it’s true, but in Vegas’s second game against Colorado this season, Parser drew a penalty: roughing by Landeskog. He scored on the powerplay. I appreciate his dedication to strategic dickishness.

Off the ice, Parser doesn’t really seem to have formed any notable relationships with his teammates yet. It’s kinda hard to find clips of them talking about him in any way other than what a beast he is or what a stand-up guy. The Aces' media team is a pretty hard working one, and they do a lot of the "pick on a teammate" videos. Parser gets relatively few mentions for as big a personality as he seems to have. He does get called out as a loudmouth now and then, and there's also this gem where we find out the dude is unprankable. According to Banks, Parser has a way of either not giving a shit or managing to actively turn the prank back around on someone else.

Even if he hasn’t had any huge scandals (yet), he’s not done with his partying, that’s for sure. The word on the street is he’s gotten away with breaking curfew a couple times, even though there's basically no scandal attached to him at all. It's like he parties responsibly. Take that, everyone who said a Vegas team would result in a lot of rookies getting into a lot of trouble! It's just, no one knows what he does when he breaks curfew. He's mentioned Cirque de Soileil a couple times so I guess he goes to shows now and then. I kinda like to imagine he's just picking up acrobats and contortionists like crazy, but there’s no evidence to support it.

 

**One Last Thing**

I believe that I mentioned kitten rescuing? Yep. He’s done that. According to his Twitter, he found a little kitten huddled by a dumpster last November. She was sick and he nursed her back to health. And named her “Kit Purrson.”

I’m going to repeat that bit.

He rescued a kitten and named her after himself. In pun form.

_Kit Purrson._

What a loser.

But he’s so over the moon about that cat. She’s probably the subject of at least 60% of the guy’s Instagram and Twitter feeds, and that’s just too cute. Kit is one hella pampered kitty. In a lot of the pictures, you can see that her collar has Swarovski crystals in the shape of a spade, and she actually has little tiny shutter shades. No, really - click here.

Kent Parson: the ultimate crazy cat bro.

 

**So, where should I go next?**

Other Primers:

callaspadeaspade has a really good primer on the Aces as a whole here, and aeronaut-the-face-not-the-face has one on the 2007 expansion (bonus: she’s keeping a running count of how often the NHL home page references Apollo 13 when talking about the Aeros). Both do a really good job of breaking down what a marquee talent like Parson has done for the expansion and for off-market hockey more broadly. Read them.

 

Fics:

[The Daily Grind](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3454826), by JaneJHills  
You know you wanted the inevitable coffee shop AU. You know that, in your heart.

[Push/Pull](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3983980), by teaboytoaliens and Verbyna  
You also wanted the soul bond AU.

[Shut the God Damn Door](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3726142), by jedusaur  
Another AU, in which Zimmer doesn’t go to rehab.

[Only Time is Ours](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3061268), by teaboytoaliens  
Ah, young love.

[34 Days](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3365801) by teaboytoaliens  
I’m not crying. You’re crying.

**Author's Note:**

> Quick thanks to [teaboytoaliens](http://archiveofourown.org/users/teaboytoaliens) for catching an error related to age classifications in hockey for little kids. Apparently I will investigate things like Rochester's economic history or public transit in Rimouski, but not, you know. Hockey.
> 
> [Pax](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Pax) beta-ed. Thanks, Pax! I swore to Pax I was going to put this conversation where she brainstormed the fake usernames for me into the end notes, and when dudes make a threat, dudes keep a threat.
> 
> Biene: I just need to think of a couple fake usernames.  
> Pax: callaspadeaspade?  
> Biene: Nice. The other one could be a fan of any one of the expansion teams, but obviously, I want -  
> Pax: stripparson?  
> Biene: Facepalm. OK, I’ll take it. I was going to say I want to reference the Aeros whenever possible.*  
> Pax: Are we casting the Aeros as being particularly tragic in this universe?  
> Biene: (God, if we ever got a team for realsies, I would be the most shameless homer ever. EVER.)  
> Pax: (with the apollo 13 references and all)  
> Biene: Maybe. But you know they'd do it somehow, even if a Houston team won. You know they would. As much as possible.  
> Pax: Failure is not an Option!  
> Biene: Like, we could be badass and they'd be all, "Houston, We Have a Cup." Oh, god, I just broke my own heart with yearning. Also, maybe The Hackett and/or Mr. Darcy are in net for us once more, but with, you know, CONSISTENT gloriousness as befits the Betty and Veronica of goalies**, OK, I’m dead now.  
> Pax: Ohh! aeronautthefacenottheface  
> Biene: HA. Does Oleksiak*** play for Houston?  
> Pax: FUCK YES  
> Biene: I'm going to post this. And I'm putting this convo in the notes. FYI.  
> Pax: Fair enough.
> 
> *Guess where Pax and I come from? Just guess.
> 
> ** Do even just a google image search on Matt Hackett and Darcy Kuemper and you'll see this is one of the most accurate things I've ever said.
> 
> *** I call Jamie Oleksiak the "Anti-Shaw." He's a gigantic defenseman; you'd think he could throw a punch. No. No, he can't. In a scrum with a player from Utica, homeboy distinctly threw up his arms in a "not the face not the face" gesture as he was getting his ass handed to him. In his defense, it's a pretty face.


End file.
